Just Go With the Flow

Having Henry has been a great exercise in learning to let go of any of life's expectations. At first, the loss of control on my usually organized life was terrifying and frustrating. But slowly Blake and I are figuring out a method to the madness. But everyday we usually get thrown some sort of curve-ball... it's what Henry likes to do: keep us on our toes.

It all began with my labor. I had "planned" on having a completely natural birth, not wanting to pump my baby (and my body) full of drugs. I mean, women have been having babies for centuries without drugs, right? That's what our bodies are meant to do. In the end Henry's head was simply too large to fit through my pelvis (he is a bull-headed Taurus, after all!) I ended up being so full of IV's and drugs that it took 2 weeks for my body to rid itself of everything. My arm looked like a tattooed, bruised piece of swiss cheese from all the IV holes. At first I felt like I failed childbirth (which I know now is not true), and battled bouts of depression over it. I mean, had this been in the early 1900's Hank and I probably wouldn't have made it..... but that's the beauty of today's medical advances. I am healthy and my baby is healthy and that is what's important. But I still joke about lighting my "birth plan" on fire.....

Our second obstacle was breast-feeding. In the beginning it was going swimmingly. Hank was a good eater and I had more than enough to feed him. He gained weight like a champ by his first pediatrician appointment and we congratulated ourselves and doing so well. Then we hit a hiccup.... or rather a "spit up."

By the time Henry was 3 weeks old he was refluxing and projectile vomiting so badly at each feed that it was stressing him (and me) out. He would get hungry but spend the entire feed screaming and crying with milk out his nose. Trying to even delicately burp him led to painful reflux. I worried that he had a milk allergy (I was a soy baby), but tried breastmilk in bottles first to see if position was the issue. It was. Getting him comfortable and sitting completely upright to eat worked! This, however, was difficult to do nursing with his huge head with no neck-muscle control... bottle feeding worked much better. So I began pumping and bottle-feeding him.

I tried nursing a few weeks later and he spit-up a ton... so I figured bottle-feeding was our only option (which was okay because I was returning to work part-time soon and Blake would have to feed him anyway.) However, pumping for 30 minutes and then feeding him for 45 minutes all day/night was becoming grueling. Then, I returned to work and pumping wasn't an option. I would come home in so much pain! Also, it was hard to get enough milk stocked-up because Hank has such a ravenous appetite. And the pump wasn't making me yield as much milk as nursing did. So we began to supplement 1/2 and 1/2 with formula.

When I was pregnant, I was hellbent on being an exclusively breast-feeding Mom. I didn't even look at formulas since "breast is best." But reflux, a ravenous baby, and a dwindling milk supply led me to put Henry exclusively on formula. Again, I felt like a failure. I tried to refrain from feeding Hank in public because I felt people would be thinking what a terrible mother I was for using a bottle. When he was hungry, I went to the car to feed him or went home. The idea that "breast is best" is so pushed these days that it comes off as the ONLY option. If you have to do otherwise you are a "lazy" or "bad" Mom. And it's not all in my head... I've definitely had some opinionated comments given to me (usually from strangers who don't even have kids).

But I'm learning that "what works for my kid is best." He is MUCH happier on a bottle and feeding time is a happy time instead of a stressful, painful one. I have him on organic formula (more expensive but I feel better about it), and he gleefully chugs down bottle after bottle with only a tiny bit of spit-up. I gave nursing my best shot.... Henry had breast-milk in some form for the first 2 months of his life. I was able to give him breast-milk nutrition in the beginning when it's most important. Now I need to learn to let go and realize he is thriving and happy on formula. And I have to remember that I was a formula baby, and I think I've turned out just fine....

Dirty Hippy in my Heart

Well, it's been awhile since my last post.... what can I say? Being a full-time Mom with a part-time job has me busy, and typing one-handed while juggling Hank isn't my forte yet. And now Blake and I have recently picked up an apartment manager gig so we can save $500 on rent.

So yes, life is a bit hectic right now. We have been financially strapped and are taking the steps to remedy the situation and give us some breathing room. But we are happy, albeit exhausted from time to time. I am feeling less overwhelmed day-by-day and seem to be feeling more like a professional Mom. My little man is smiling and cooing and somewhat giggling which makes any of the difficult times melt away. I care so much for my son and find myself wanting to make the best and most healthy choices possible for him. This, coupled with the financial issue at-hand has led me to a new obsession: cloth diapering.

I have become hellbent on saving our little family money, and was excited to find an option that is not only budget friendly, but baby friendly and earth friendly as well. I feel a little better knowing I'm making small personal steps to be earth-conscious, especially with things like the BP oil disaster mucking up the environment. Maybe in the end, it will be the little things that count. I'm not trying to preach, I'm simply explaining that I personally feel better strapping a cloth diaper to my kid's bum because it won't sit in a landfill for 500 years... and at the rate Hank goes through diapers I feel this is a REALLY good thing! That kid can fill up a Diaper Genie in NO time!

Which leads me to gDiapers. These are not your parent's cloth diapers. They are a crazy-cool hybrid that utilizes breathable cotton outer shells with breathable vinyl liners (vinyl allows air to permeate but not moisture. Waaaay better than plastic pants! Ick). Then, you use super absorbent cotton/hemp inserts (they kinda look like a maxi-pad. Ha.) for the wee babe to wee on. When the insert is wet, simply toss it in the diaper pail and replace with a fresh one. The vinyl liners can be wiped clean and dry super quick. Leaks are rare, so you can re-use the little cotton shells/pants over and over. And BONUS: there are disposable inserts for use on-the-go... and they break-down in 150 days and are flushable and compostable! So, you have 2 options: cotton/hemp reusable inserts or disposable. Genius! Oh, and they're super cute to butt...um, I mean boot.

We're on day 5 of cloth diapering and it's so easy.... and we don't even have our own washer and dryer! We can go for 2 days, and on the 3rd day I do a load of diaper laundry... which isn't a problem because I usually need to wash something else anyway. The whole setup for diapers, inserts, special detergent has cost somewhere around $200. Since we usually spend over $50 a month on diapers (and he can wear the cloth until he is almost 2 years old!), we will be saving a ton! I also am going the extra step and using cloth bum-wipes with my own tea-tree oil/water/Dr. Bronner's soap solution that I just toss in the pail with the diaper inserts. And it is much nicer on Hank's bottom!

Blake (although not as wierdly excited as I am) has been extremely open to cloth-diapering and has been doing wonderfully! It's usually the hubby's that are grossed-out by the idea... but he doesn't seem phased in the least. We are still using 1 regular disposable at night-time for Hank's long stretch until we figure out how to successfully cloth-diaper and have him stay comfortable since he is, um, quite a wet guy. But 1 disposable a day is better than 12! And did I mention how cute they are?

Caught in a Whirlwind

So, I know it has been awhile since my last post, but we have been busy with the birth of our son: Henry James Allyn Bickel! He was born after almost 30 hours of labor via emergency c-section April 26th, at 8:11 am. He was 21 inches long and weighed just over 8 lbs. His head was almost 16 inches around.... thus the c-section.Life with Henry has been awesome. Definitely challenging and tiring here and there, but as Blake has been saying, "I thought this would be harder. Everyone else makes the first few weeks out to be hell. I feel okay and very happy." I second that statement. Henry is a very agreeable chap who has taken to breastfeeding in stride and lets his Mommy and Daddy sleep 4 hour stretches at night (in his own crib). He cries (like any baby does), but is easily consoled with a cuddle and a nap or a change of scenery (or diaper). He sometimes uses a pacifier after feeds, but usually calms himself by sucking on his fist or blanket. He loves his swing and being in the living room while we listen to music and go about daily life. We were even able to go out to brunch when he was 11 days old. He's a champ in his carseat and loves his stroller. He loves to spend time staring at our faces in quiet repose.

The only thing that was hellish the first couple of weeks was my c-section incision. Having major abdominal surgery is the last thing I wanted as a new mom. It made things so incredibly difficult at first that I was in tears the better part of the day and night. If I didn't have such an amazing husband I don't know what I would have done! After being numb from the chest down for many hours, I had to be transferred to bed by nurses and be saddled with a catheter and bed-ridden for 3 days. I couldn't hold my son for the first few hours because my arms were numb. And even though they were numb, they ached to hold him! I could not give him his first bath or change his first diaper. I could not hop up out of bed to console Henry when he cried and had to rely on Blake to hold him or bring him to me. Blake changed all of his first diapers. Blake (and some nurses but mostly Blake) helped me take a shower and dry and clothe me. He selflessly took the responsibility of taking care of not one, but two people around the clock. My husband has always been my hero, but now it's even more defined.

Sleep, Though Art a Fleeting Memory...

I have never had sleep issues. I have always slept soundly, have had nary a nightmare, and stay that way until the alarm goes off. Or, on a non-work day I rise on my own at a normal morning hour rested and rejuvenated.

And then pregnancy happened.

The first trimester I peed every 2 seconds. I felt that I should just camp-out on the bathroom floor so that my dear husband could actually sleep. But, Blake is a champ and sleeps through most things and didn't seem as disturbed by my bathroom jaunts as I had expected. As time lapsed on, this ailment decreased and, with the addition of a brand-new body pillow given to me by Blake, I was able to comfortably zonk out once again.

Until now.

I realize I only have a month left at most by this point.... but the night-time shenanigans are getting the best of me: My bladder that never seems to empty, my baby who is playing the xylophone on my ribcage, and my back with the shooting pain that holds me prisoner in uncomfortable positions. People tell me "it's nature's way of preparing you for sleepless nights to come," but I ain't buying it. I know love is pain sometimes, but gimme a break! Pregnant women are already going through so much discomfort... it seems unfair to add sleep depravation on top of all of that. If there is a God, he's a man and he's a sadist.

As I write this, the words are dancing around in front of my face and I wonder if I'm actually even typing. I'm so tired and frustrated and I feel like a bad mother because I can't wait to not be pregnant any more. I keep hearing all of these other women saying how they felt like beautiful, fertile godesses and how they were in such happy spirits and LOVED being pregnant. My mother, for instance, is one of these: said she felt GREAT. Me however.... I cry (hormones and sleep failure) alot and ask Blake if I'm a terrible person because I just want to "take my tummy off" and curl up under the blankets and never pee again. I feel like such a whiner; weak and silly and childish.

But of course Blake consoles me and hugs me and tells me I'm beautiful, because that's what a wonderful husband does. He kisses me and tells me not to worry. And then he rolls back over and is snoring blissfully again. And I am left to watch the clock and worry about what would happen if I went into labor right now on zero hours of sleep....

Babymobile

Blake proved (yet again) what a great father he is. He successfully battled the infant car-seat and it is now snugly placed in the back seat of our new Subaru. He was very excited and proud of himself! It's moments like these that make me feel so secure with the whole "oh-my-god-we're-actually-having-a-baby-aaaaah!" feelings I get sometimes. I simply look at Blake and realize Henry will definitely have a great Dad. He is just so calm and stead-fast and really has no worries about the baby and our future. Whenever I am feeling anxious, I gather strength from him. He is my rock.... I just hope I can be half the parent I know Blake will be...

The Beginning of the End

Well, I have decided to create this blog as a way to keep friends and family updated with my life... and mostly the impending birth of my son, Henry. Blake and I are expecting our first little bundle of joy May 5th (Cinco de Mayo, baby!). We are very excited, and though it's still 2 months away it is going quickly!

We have our 8-hour birth class this Saturday and are anxious to learn! Of course both of us have been doing a TON of reading on pregnancy, babies, and coping naturally with labor... but it will be nice to be in a class-room setting with other people who are going through what we are. We are one of the first couples out of our group of Seattle friends to have a baby... the "experiment" as some of our friends say. If we can survive it, others may follow! I have many friends with children in Missoula, but it would be nice if I just happened to bump into another tattooed preggo in Seattle so we could sit and chat about things like, well, backpain and heartburn. Lol. It's been a bit hard being the only pregnant lady at parties and outings... especially while everyone is drinking and having a good time. I always just prop myself in a corner somewhere and drink juice and try not to fall asleep before 9pm. It's also been hard without any family here. I know my Mom is hating not being able to see me until after Henry is born. At least I have a kind, compassionate, and amazing husband to listen to my thoughts and fears and to rub my back every time I ask....

Henry is apparently weighing and measuring big for his gestational age. I am 32 weeks right now, and am measuring closer to 35. I tested negative for gestational diabetes and have normal blood-pressure, which usually is the cause of "big babies." So I guess he is just large. The doctor wants me to come in for another ultrasound at 36 weeks to see if Henry is looking too big to fit through my pelvis. This is a worry I have because I'm only 5' 2" and Blake weighed over 10lbs when he was born! I'm going to try as hard as I can to have a vaginal birth unless the doctor thinks Henry is in distress for any reason. Not too keen on a scheduled C-section at ALL. I at least want to give the "natural way" a go and see what happens...

All in all, I would rather Henry be measuring large than too small... that way if he decides to come early there is a greater chance of being 100% healthy. He is VERY strong and kicks and summersaults so hard sometimes I think he may break my ribs! He's also very responsive to my voice and Blake's voice and when we touch him in my belly. It's still so hard to wrap my head around the fact that it's a BABY in there... even after 7 months!